I knew that deep inside I had the yearning to be with another man but I never let anyone know. Later, during the deepest darkest time of my life, I confessed my secret to my best friend, my youth pastor, two friends from school and finally my whole family. My parents sent me to see a Christian counselor. I was there for a couple months and then I was hooked up with a men's support group. It was like a Bible study for me and for once God was starting to show himself to me.
After a few months the feelings just would not go away. I listened to everyone's stories of heartbreak and pain. But I could only hear it; I couldn't feel it. I finally decided that there was no way I could go through life not knowing what it was like to fall in love with a man.
So I did something I never thought I would do. I placed a personal's ad on the internet. I made my ad clean as not to draw attention to myself. I ended up having 13 men respond in the first two days of my ad being posted. One guy really interested me so I started mailing him and he started e-mailing me. We soon decided to meet and it was like WOW for both of us. He totally fell in love with me. After a few weeks we were together all the time. I would sneak out of my house in the middle of the night and then drive an hour just to see him until sunrise and then I would go home and take a shower and go to work.
We would go to movies or just drive around and talk. But, one day the talking stopped and the car was parked. I drove home that night thinking about everything that had happened.
We continued to see each other and were together sexually every day after that. Finally one night we were together and we decided to go to his house. I never wanted anything sexual to happen between us and later I found he felt the same way. But the next morning I woke up and I wasn't in my bed. We had sex one last time. I finally understood that what we were doing was wrong and I did it for the pleasure, not because I actually cared about him.
I was so lost, scared and confused. I drove home that morning crying. Then I heard a tiny voice in my heart saying, "Brian, I have given you your wish of seeing what being with a man is like, and you know what it is like to live your life for God. You can't be Christian and gay." I started to cry even harder.
It was like walking down a road with a fork in the middle and I couldn't walk down the middle; I had to choose. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I wanted. I called the leader of the men's group and told him what was happening. I remember me asking him if I was still a virgin because their was no penetration. I remember screaming out as he told me I wasn't. I never wanted to lose my virginity. I had always said I was going to be a virgin until I was married. Now that dream had been shattered...and I had been blinded.
I knew what I had to do. It was time to say good-bye. I e-mailed my lover and told him that we needed to talk. I met him two days later at a gas station and we were silent as I got in the car. I told him through my tears that I couldn't be with him anymore and that I had fallen in love with another man. Then I looked into his eyes and told him that the man was Jesus Christ. Suddenly like an unexpected wind a feeling of calmness and relief covered me. For the first time in weeks I felt like a real person. I told him about what I thought of what we had done and that it was wrong and that God doesn't make you gay. I tried to explain to him that we choose to be this way unconsciously, but he was too angry, too hurt to listen.
Finally we said our good-byes and I told him that I knew there was a way out of the homoerotic feelings and that I would be more than happy to help him...that is, if he wanted my help. I went home and cried for two days. I didn't know what to do. I had just given up the love of my life. For what?
I just felt so empty. And that is when I got on my knees. I remember sitting alone in my house and just praying and crying out loud. I have often thought I needed to fall in love with him (Jesus Christ). But when I realized that I had given up everything I had ever wanted, I knew I was in love...for eternity.
Later that week my ex-lover called and told me he wanted to know everything about Jesus Christ and about change through Jesus. I was more than happy to share with him.
God is now actively working in both our lives and we have gotten over the relationship that we once shared. Ever since the day that Jesus picked me out of hell, I have been changing. I have experienced much change in my sexual preference. I am falling in love with a woman for the first time. I really care about her.
Me and my ex-lover attend the Bible study together and still hang out on the weekends! God, not lust, is now the center of our friendship. We believe that God put us together because he knew that we needed each other to find the one thing we were really looking for...Jesus...and we found him.
Used by permission of the author.
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