"Dad, you had better sit down," I told him, "because you are not going to understand this. I don't even understand it." I paused and looked at him. "Dad, I am a homosexual."
He turned white and then started to cry. "What did your Mother and I do to bring this about?" he sobbed.
"Dad, it wasn't anything you did. I don't know what happened to me."
We talked a long time. "I know it's going to take you awhile to accept this," I finally told him, "and I also know that you won't want me to come home again. I accept that and will deal with this myself."
Then Mom came home and I left. I watched them at the door, as Dad cried and Mom just held him. She did not yet know what had taken place. I cried all the way home, knowing I would never see my parents again.
My family grew up in the fifties on a farm in southern Iowa. My life was tranquil until the age of seven, when a cousin and some neighborhood boys started playing a "secret game" with me. I became the victim of sexual abuse.
These activities happened only occasionally at first but, by age nine, they were occurring two or three times a week.
The abuse continued throughout my teen years. I became very lonely, confused and hurt. It seemed that the only way I could develop a relationship with a man was to allow him to sexually use me.
Sadly enough, I felt I could not tell my parents. My cousin and neighbor boys all attended the same school and church as I did. Although my family had heard of Jesus Christ, none of us had a personal relationship with Him.
I first heard the word "homosexual" at college, and realized that the word meant me. Seeking help from counselors didn't help. "Accept it," they told me. "You were born this way, and there is nothing you can do to change."
But I didn't want to accept it. Maybe being married will change things, I thought, and so I found a nice young woman. Our marriage was a disaster.
After four years, I realized that I could no longer deny my homosexuality or continue to ruin another person's life. We divorced and I quit school. I literally ran away and no one knew where I was.
Several months passed, and then I received a telephone call. It was my dad. He had tracked me down and wanted me to come home. He also wanted to know what was happening in my life. I finally went home on Thanksgiving weekend. All my family was there. Later in the day when Mom and my sisters had gone for a ride, Dad confronted me. I told him about my homosexuality and then left.
I'll never see my parents again, I thought. Soon I was deep into the gay lifestyle. I'm going to develop my life totally for me. Money and power became my gods, and I did anything to get them.
I went to cosmetology school, working full time during the day and attending classes at night. I was determined to be someone. Then, to my surprise, I received a letter from my folks.
"Son, I do not understand what caused this situation with you," my dad wrote, "but I want you to know that I love you because you are my flesh. You are my flesh and your mother's and we want to help you. Come talk to us anytime. We love you."
My father's words touched me deeply. Today I know that my parent's unconditional love is what brought me through and kept me from the final break with God.
Mom and Dad began to seek a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. They changed churches and found a dedicated group of believers to pray for me. They continued to reach out in love to me and my homosexual partner, Thom. In spite of my nasty attitude and my constant manipulation, they continued to show me love.
I did not really want my parents' help. By now, I was gaining power in the gay social circles. I had formed a partnership in a hair salon. I was even a big part of the "normal" people's society! I thought I had it made, when actually Satan had me so bound.
I thought power and money were the most important things in the world, and I manipulated other people any way possible to get them. Once I got what I wanted from someone, I'd dump them like trash.
From my perspective, things were going well. I had a lover, and was co-partner in a good business. For ten years I lived like this, interlocked in real estate, finances and insurance. Then came some changes. My roommate grew dissatisfied with our relationship, and I knew he was ready to move out. One day I flew to Phoenix to drive a client's car back to Des Moines, knowing when I got home there would be a confrontation with Thom. I schemed the whole way home, determined not to let him go.
As I drove home, I noticed billboard signs reading, "Jesus Saves" and "Jesus is the Answer." And, although I planned to stop at several bars on the way home, I couldn't find a single place the entire drive home. Unknown to me, the Lord was beginning to answer my parents' prayers. After I arrived home, Thom announced that he was leaving. "I'm going home to tell my folks the truth about us," he said. "They are going to tell us we need Jesus,"
"Well, maybe we do!" I retorted, then added: "But if I do, I will do it my way." Inside, I was desperate. I'll pray to Jesus, I thought, if that will keep Thom here with me! I sat down and started praying: "Lord, if You are who You say You are, and You are as powerful as people say You are, then I want you to do something in my life tonight. I want you to come down here and set me free from all the bondage that I am in."
"I do not want You to leave one thing in me," I added, "because if You do, I will fail." I also remembered from my childhood in church to ask, "Lord, come into my life and change me now." Suddenly I felt like a ton of bricks hit me and knocked me off the chair. As I lay on the floor, a hot bubbling sensation started at the tip of my toes and worked its way all the way up my body to the top of my head.
In my mind, I could see black chains breaking. God was shattering the bondages that Satan had wrapped around me! Afterward, I felt so happy and so relieved. Finally I turned to my roommate and said that I was going upstairs to lie down. "I think you need this Jesus also," I told him. After I had laid down for a while, I heard a horrendous scream from downstairs. "What's wrong?" I yelled, running downstairs. "I accepted Christ, too," Thom said, "and I've been set free!"
"Thank you, Lord!" I said, grinning. We were both so excited. Already we could feel a new, different love between us, a brotherly love through Christ.
I telephoned my parents. Dad cried when he heard what had happened. "This is the call we have been witing for!" he said. He and Mom immediately prayed for us on the telephone.
The next day I went to work at the salon, determined to say nothing. My first client came in and looked at me. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing," I replied.
"No, there is something different about you. You are not the same Jack I saw last week. There is a glow around you and a peace on your face."
"There is?" I asked, looking into the mirror. I couldn't see anything different.
My client continued to badger me until I finally told her that I had accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. All day long, the same thing happened. "There's something different about you," clients kept telling me.
Finally the last customer of the day came in, a lady who had been witnessing to me for ten years. "Cathy, I have something to tell you," I said as soon as she got in my chair. Then I paused, studying her face. "But you look so sad. First tell me what's wrong."
"No," she said, "tell me your news first!" So I shared about receiving Jesus, and she started crying.
"Jack, I couldn't stand coming in here any longer," she told me. "I was going to tell you that my whole family would no longer be coming here. I felt God didn't hear my prayers on your behalf. Now I know God answers prayer." What a joyful appointment we had that day! That joy has never left and today, Cathy and her family are closer to me than ever.
My walk with Jesus Christ began in 1980, and God led me one step at a time. First, He took me out of my business partnership and set me up in my own salon. I knew my income could not cover the expenses, but in the first month, the Lord doubled my earnings. I knew that as long as I gave Him control of my life, He would keep blessing me.
Then God brought a beautiful Christian woman into my life. At first, I thought she was too strong-willed and aggressive for me. But the Lord knew just the partner I would need to break through the emotional barriers I had built up for twenty years. Paula and I were married in 1981. During the past eight years of marriage, Paula's strength and determination have so many times brought healing to me, giving us a solid foundation on which to build our lives.
We have both struggled with deep things from our past, but God has always been there to provide wisdom and strength. Today, our marriage is powerful, packed with godly love and discernment.
God had given us two beautiful sons to raise for His glory. We look at these two miracle children and praise Him for their fresh innocence, beauty and explosive joy.
Even though I was a small town farm boy, sexually abused and driven to the homosexual movement, I can now stand up and say there is a living God who truly sets us free. That's what He has done for me.
Jack Morlan is founder/director of Freedom Ministries in Des Moines, Iowa. He and his wife, Paula, have two sons, Jason and Zachary. Distributed by Love in Action, P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250
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