Let me begin by stating some of my beliefs concerning this issue. I believe that no one chooses to have same-sex attractions. Why would someone choose to have feelings that are viewed as disgusting and perverted by most people? No one would. While we may not have control over whether we have the feelings, we have a choice as to what we do with those feelings. We can choose to control the impulses and work to eventually overcome them, or we can choose to allow our passions to control us. I also believe very strongly that God lives and that He loves us. He wants us to be happy and has promised to help us. We must do everything in our power first, and then He will pick up the slack and will carry us the rest of the way.
I have been struggling with same-sex attractions for five years, but have been actively and effectively working to overcome these feelings for only the past few months. When I first realized what I was dealing with, I struggled unsuccessfully for a long time to overcome the feelings I was having. I prayed for God to take the feelings away, but was not willing to put in the effort required.
Eventually I lost the little faith I had left that God would help me. On February 3, 1996, I accepted the label of "gay." I felt that God was an uncaring individual who had turned his back on me and condemned me to eternal damnation. But I refused to continue struggling with what I perceived to be an endless and ultimately hopeless fight.
Soon after, I started trying to find out what it was to be "gay." I started going to support group meetings for gay youth, to social functions, and to club meetings. I also began reading everything I could get my hands on about gay youth and about reconciling religion and homosexuality. I made many new friends and acquaintances. Through it all I was not happy with the person I was becoming and the things I was doing.
Instead of considering the possibility that I should try to change, I began to rationalize my new lifestyle choice. I believed same-sex attractions to be a result of immutable genetic influences. That belief led to two logical but flawed conclusions. The first conclusion was that since the feelings were a result of unchangeable genetics, they were the same as being either right- or left-handed, not right or wrong, just an ingrained part of who I was that I had no control over. The second conclusion was that since same-sex attractions were determined by genetics, they were created and possibly given by the Creator. Thus since God wasn't eliminating the feelings He created, He was in a way endorsing those feelings.
To further the beliefs I held of passive acceptance by God of my lifestyle, I had to rationalize the concrete teachings in the Bible and from the church concerning same-sex attractions. I said that the teachings in the Bible were either outdated or did not refer to a loving and caring union between two people of the same gender. I also rationalized that the people of the church were raised to be homophobic and so it was cultural homophobia and not God who frowned upon "homosexuality." Despite all the rationalizing and the struggling to make black appear white, I still knew deep down that what I was doing was wrong, and no matter what I told myself, I knew deep down that I was simply lying to myself.
Despite my unhappiness, I still was telling myself that I was not responsible for my actions or feelings because I was just doing what is natural and "right" for me. It took a very shocking and eye-opening experience to get me to look at my life differently. That event caused me to see how much I had drifted from someone who was trying to live righteously to one who wasn't. It shocked me so much, that I finally began asking, "Am I truly happy? Is this what I want out of life? What am I going to do next?"
It took me a few months to answer those questions and to wholeheartedly decide to work on taking control of my life. When I decided to change, I did so with every fiber of my being, wanting and needing to change the direction my life was headed. And I have never looked back.
Working to change my life has not been easy, but has been well worth the effort. The first thing that I needed was the desire to change. This is the first step of anything we do, and is one of the main reasons I did not succeed in the past. It was God, my parents, or the church pushing me to do something I didn't truly want. I had to develop the internal spark that is necessary to create change in one's life.
The desire to change though is not enough, one must then take action. The first and most important step someone must take is to pray with sincere faith and humility that God will bless him/her in their efforts. One must have faith that God will hear their prayer and will answer it. God cannot simply take away our problems, but He will hold our hand along the way, will pick us up when we stumble, and will carry us when we can no longer carry ourselves.
The next step I think may be the hardest. It is my belief that after one desires to change, and has asked God to help with their efforts, one needs to begin to re-evaululate the relationship between being "gay" and having same-sex attractions. "Gay" is an adjective describing particular thoughts, acts, and behaviors. Same-sex attractions are manageable feelings that are the cause of "gay and lesbian" thoughts, acts, and behaviors. When a person views himself/herself as "gay", that they were born "gay", will live as a "gay" man or woman, and will die "gay", then it is much harder to control and eventually overcome same-sex attractions. If one views himself/herself not as a "gay" man or woman, but a person who is struggling with same-sex attractions, the struggle becomes much more manageable.
After one desires to change, has asked God for help to change, and has begun to look at themselves differently, several things then become important. The struggle takes on an individuality that results from the varied causes, life experiences, and degrees of commitment to change by the individual. Even so, there are several things that I would suggest that can assist in the struggle to overcome same-sex attractions. The most benificial thing I believe a person can do is to seek out others who are going through similar struggles. It is helpful to know that one is not alone and that there are others who have been there and who can lend support, encouragement, and advice.
I also suggest reading up on the causes and the varied ways to overcome same-sex attractions. There are no definite answers, but I believe that same-sex attractions are caused by a complex interaction of nature versus nurture. Understanding the possible causes of same-sex attractions and the ways people have overcome them can lead to a speedier healing process.
I also suggest for those who have been abused sexually or physically to consider seeing a counselor whom you trust and who will support you in what you want to accomplish. This is a very gray area and a very individual decision. Counseling can be very beneficial to some and very painful to others. The key is finding the right counselor: someone you can trust, who has the necessary training, and who will be supportive in the struggle to overcome same-sex attractions.
In conclusion I would like to say that change is possible. Thousands of people have overcome same-sex attractions and have gone on to lead happier lives. I would like to end with short quote that sums everything up, "Yesterday is the past. Tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift. That is why it is the present." Don't let the precious gift of life slip away when there are so many possibilities for one to be a happier person. Good luck and may God bless you!!
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