"Jeff, I have a surprise for you," he said, then told me he'd recently gotten married. . .to a girl! I was flabbergasted.
"What in the world has come over you?" I asked.
"I'm no longer gay," he said simply.
I didn't believe that for an instant, but I just had to get to the bottom of the whole thing. We talked for six hours and, the longer we talked, the more convinced I became that he'd truly stumbled onto something.
He told me that he attended a local support group for ex-gays. To make a long story short, I went to check it out and didn't miss a single session for the next year.
Mike, I began looking at my past with real honesty. I grew up a very shy, introverted kid, a loner for the most part. I felt terribly insecure and inadequate around guys my own age or older, so I avoided them as much as possible.
My dad wasn't home much in those days, so my need for a role model and some same-sex affirmation was unmet. My parents never displayed any verbal or physical affection. I interpreted their inability to express love as meaning that I must not be lovable, that something must be dreadfully wrong with me.
Added to this were a lot of hurt feelings caused by my dad. Whenever I'd cry, he'd tell me to "stop acting like a woman," which only added to my feelings of inadequacy.
As a young boy, I was aware of physical attraction to other boys. Now I see that all I really wanted was to belong and have some male friends, to feel normal, rather than a "sissy." But all I could do was admire other boys from the sidelines.
In junior high I got my first girlfriend. We had lots of fun eating lunch together, walking home from school, spending endless hours on the phone with each other. I was considered really cool for having a girlfriend and naturally I was starting to feel a lot better about myself, even to the point of actually feeling almost normal.
But it all came to an end when a rumor from the previous summer resurfaced. A friend and I had played "doctor" one day in our fort, the usual exploration that happens among children. But now the kids were saying that we'd had sex together and it seemed like that was all anyone at school was talking about.
It was absolutely the most humiliating experience of my life, and from that point on, I reverted to being a loner.
Until then I'd merely been just a kid with a few hang-ups. Having Kathy as my girlfriend made me feel like the other guys, but the fear of humiliation just nipped everything in the bud. I became consumed with my attraction toward guys.
There were even worse problems at home. It was obvious that my parents weren't in love with each other, that they were just playing the role of a married couple for the sake of their children. Their role play ended when I was 12, and their divorce hit me hard.
I remember my father taking us kids to the park to tell us the news. When he'd finished his little speech about him and my mother splitting up, my 13-year-old brother didn't say a thing, and my sister-11 at the time-giggled. I, on the other hand, cried like a baby. I was devastated.
I couldn't understand why our "normal life" was being destroyed. This has to be my fault, I thought.
Life continued on. Pretty soon my mother found a boyfriend and Ron moved in with us. At first I thought he was all right, but when he started drinking, he turned into a madman.
Somewhere near the start of all this, my mother and Ron made things official by getting married, but it didn't really seem to make any sort of impression on me. They fought constantly, and at times, I thought I'd go crazy.
Laying in bed at night, I could distinctly hear the sound of Ron's fists hitting Mom. If she didn't immediately cry out, I'd hold my breath until she made some sound to indicate she was still alive. I took to sleeping with a butcher knife under my bed, so I'd be ready if Ron came after me.
The craziness went on and on for years until one August day in 1974. Ron went totally insane. He battered my mother half to death, then smashed up the furniture and began burning it in the fireplace. I was down the street at a friend's house. When I heard about it, Ron had already been holding a gun on my mother for nearly four hours.
After the police arrived, a single shot rang out. The cops stormed the house and a moment later one stepped back out the front door, shouting at someone to radio for the paramedics.
Without thinking, I ran inside, where I found Ron lying face up on the living room floor, the rifle still in his hands, blood and life draining away from him into the carpet. He died moments later from a self- inflicted bullet wound.
In the coming weeks, even with Ron gone, I still didn't enjoy life. Every day just brought new pain, loneliness and more questions without any answers.
I wanted to scream out for help, but no one was there to listen. "Why?" I kept asking myself. "What have I done to deserve the life I've had?" Life had let me down, and I wanted out.
I swallowed a container of codeine tablets, knowing I was finally running away for good. Somehow I survived, waking up the following afternoon. Life continued to drag on, oblivious to my little gesture of defiance.
Several weeks later, a friend from work came by to see me. He was a very religious guy, always talking about how good Jesus was to him. Larry Shelton seemed to have everything: he was a good-looking, 21- year-old married college student who radiated happiness. He'd been after me to come to his house for dinner for quite a while and I'd always managed to politely refuse.
Once you get involved with Jesus freaks, they never let you alone, was my attitude. On this particular evening, though, I accepted his invitation to dinner. He wants to tell me about Jesus, I thought. But what do I have to lose?
I already believed that Jesus was the Son of God and all that stuff, but somehow Larry's life was different. One thing I knew for sure-whatever he had, I wanted some of it. If he'd found answers in his religion, I was willing to let him tell me about it.
Larry and his wife, Faith, welcomed me into their home. After dinner, I began questioning them about their beliefs. They didn't preach at me or rattle off some mysterious dogma. Instead, from the depths of their hearts, they offered me a new life through Jesus Christ.
I saw what they had wasn't just "a religion," but a deeply personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. They enjoyed one-to-one fellowship with Him.
"God is love," Larry told me. "But because of the sin in your life- however small it might be-you are prevented from experiencing the abundant life God has for you."
Then Larry illustrated God's justice. "Just like a judge can't let guilty criminals go free, God can't ignore your sins until their penalty is paid for." Faith described how Jesus had taken upon Himself the sins of the world. His death upon the cross had paid the penalty for my sins, as well as everyone else's.
All I had to do was believe by sincere faith that Jesus was who He said He was, Larry explained. He had paid for my sins, and I, too, could be forgiven and enter into a personal relationship with the Almighty.
"How can I receive God's forgiveness?" I asked.
"You need to go to Him in prayer," Larry answered. "Invite Jesus into your life as your Savior from sin. Ask Him to take control of your life. Tell Him you're open to receive all He wishes you to have."
We prayed together, and when we'd finished, I felt as if 1000 tons had been lifted from my shoulders. I was instantly enveloped in great peace and contentment. I cried from overwhelming happiness-for the first time in my life. I knew that God loved me and cared for me.
Of course, becoming a Christian didn't solve all my problems. Homosexual desires didn't stop overnight-although at first I thought they would. "With God, all things are possible," I read in the Bible (Matt. 19:26). So I began begging God to "heal" me. I even promised Him I'd go into the ministry if only He'd cure me. My perception of what needed healing was all wrong.
Slowly and gently, God began exposing issues even deeper than my homosexual feelings. There were barriers in my life to the proper fulfillment of legitimate same-sex needs.
I felt unlovable, inadequate, insecure, inhibited. My self-image was on the negative side of zero. Plus I was lazy, lacking in motivation to change, and afraid to try. Those were just a few of the obstacles I had to overcome.
Through prayerful introspection, I was able to pinpoint these "root" issues, then begin dealing with them one at a time. Bringing them to the surface, I began working through past hurts, misconceptions, and my wrong responses. I was finally taking responsibility for my actions; I no longer felt a helpless victim of past circumstances.
Many of my childhood experiences were beyond my control, but my
responses involved my own choices. A wrong response here, another one
there-eventually they all added up to a distorted image of myself that
God didn't intend. And He knew that same-sex encounters would never
meet the deeper needs that my homosexual feelings revealed.
Every day now, I ask God to allow opportunities for love and affirmation to take place in my life, and not just for me but also through me. It's when we give of ourselves that we receive. My healing process really began once I recognized this principle. By faith, I stepped out of my shell and became willing to reach out to others, instead of waiting for someone to reach out to me.
Mike, as you follow Christ's teachings, the inner healing you need will occur-it can't be stopped. The more you get to know God through His word and through communicating with Him, the more faith you'll have. He'll give you the boldness and confidence to approach all new situations.
So, Mike, I'm praying for you all the way. I'm excited at the prospect of seeing what God has planned for your life. Please write and let me know your thoughts. And remember: You don't have to be gay. God gives you a choice.
Your friend,
Jeff
Excerpted by permission from You Don't Have to be Gay by Jeff
Konrad. Copyright © 1987 by Pacific Publishing House, PO Box 5756,
Newport Beach, CA 92662. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307,
Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250
To order this book, please contact Regeneration Books at (410) 661-4337.
Price is $12.50 plus s&h.
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