"Well at least it was with a man," I told myself. "And at least it was only one man, I mean, marriage is just a technicality right, I was 'committed' to only one man. Surely there could be nothing wrong with sex in a monogomous relationship. I mean marriage was really only a monogomous relationship, with a piece of paper to confirm it, anyway, isn't it?" Eventually, sex just wasn't enough to keep him. His desires went deeper. He had "fantasies," and if I loved him, I'd do anything to make him happy. Oh, it was just to make him happy, and he loved me, so I allowed him to invite other women into our bed. Quickly, the urges came back. They actually never left, I just managed not to act on them, because I was "in love" with this man.
Eventually, we broke up and someone else came into my life, but the sagas continued to play out the same every time. Quite possibly, I wanted them that way. Because then, I could fulfill my desires, for women, in the name of love for my man. Finally, I met the man I was to marry. I shared with him everything about me. He still wanted to be with me and he did not desire to be involved in any "fantasy" play. But my games were not all over. After we got together I still "dated" women. He knew but didn't say or do anything about it.
We moved to Charlotte and were married. I looked for a church when we got there. I thought it would be a good way to meet new people and make some friends. Well, even though I hadn't been with any women since I had been married, I still desired them. I really began to think that there was nothing wrong with it either. I began to think, "If God made me, then He made me the way I am." I struggled with this for a long time, even as I continued to go to church. I just felt that these people would not understand my situation. I didn't want to be gay. I just was gay. It really wasn't a choice for me. The only choice I had was whether or not to act on my feelings. As I continued to go to church, I learned of how, according to the Bible, homosexuality was an abomination. Well that really pissed me off. I mean, here I am, minding my own business. I didn't ask for these feelings. Some "so-called God" made me and now, He hates who I am. For some reason, though, I kept going to church. I didn't really make any new friends there but I kept going back. Now I learned more about Jesus and His reason for being. I realized that He died for people who had sinned against God. I thought, who I am and what I feel has nothing to do with going against anyone or anything. The desires I felt were as natural to me as someone else's feelings for a member of the opposite sex. The only thing that made them unnatural was that everyone was not doing it and some "God" did not like it, this same "God" who supposedly made me in the first place. I was very confused. I was at odds within myself. Every day was a battle within me. I didn't want to be different. I didn't feel completely comfortable with my husband. I felt like something was missing. I was still attracted to women, in a sexual way. I just didn't act on it. It was a war inside me, every day, every minute of every day.
A revival changed it all. I went to church this time feeling excited, about what I didn't know. I was glad to get out of the house and the guest speaker was a young female minister. I though she was a very insightful person. I was looking forward to hearing her preach. I got into my car and lit a cigarette. I wanted to get a smoke in before I got to the church grounds. When I got there I was still feeling very excited. I felt like I was free. My mind was clear and free of any thoughts about sex. For a moment, I was just a regular happy person. I sang every song, I prayed every prayer and when the altar call came, I went up, just like many times before. As I knelt at that altar I began to think and pray. I wanted to be free forever, free to think and feel 'normal'. I had tried, on my own, to be straight but it was a farce. While I seemed, for all intents and purposes, to be straight, the gay feelings still plagued me and I wondered how long it would be before I slipped back into old habits. I finally asked God to make me what He wanted me to be. I couldn't do it anymore. Trying to be "straight" just wasn't working. If He wanted me to be straight, He would have to make me straight, by God (pun intended). And He did!! I knelt at the altar and cried out to God with all my heart. I cried and cried until I had no tears left. I continued to plead with God, unconditionally. I wanted to be what He had intended me to be. I wanted to be acceptable in His sight. Suddenly, in all of my inner turmoil a great peace came over me. I felt light, different, from that very second. I didn't see myself the same way and I didn't look at others the same way either. I can look at a woman and see that she is attractive and not lust after her sexually.
Not only did He deliver me from homosexuality, but He also delivered me from cigarettes!! I walked around for three days with that pack of ciggarettes in my pocket and the thought of my sexuality in my mind, sort of waiting for the euphoria to wear off so to speak. It didn't. I gave the cigarettes to my husband and I cast the thoughts of my sexuality out of my mind.
Finally....I am free to be me. I still have a choice to make every day. But that choice is no longer whether to love man or woman, it is now whether or not to continue to serve God, my creator, my deliverer. The answer is an easy one. YES!!
GOD IS A DELIVERING, SAVING, HEALING, FAITHFUL GOD!! All the things that you are going through, good and bad, are working together for your good, IF you love and serve God. By the way, I have finally found the love that I searched for in all the wrong places, in Jesus Christ.
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