On the other hand, my strong and reliable father was easier to talk with. Since my dad was more emotionally whole than my mother, I thought men were the better sex.
With little affirmation at home, I began seeking it in other ways. I gained popularity with some of the neighborhood boys by exposing myself to them. This went on for several years. When I was ten, it came to a horrible end when one of the boys raped me. I didn't tell anyone for 12 years. Inside, my dislike and fear of men increased.
As a teenager, my friends helped me feel happy and accepted. But at home the pain and confusion persisted. I had several brief physical encounters with other girls, but didn't consider myself to be gay.
In my sophomore year of high school, I fell in love with Tom. He was a senior and our relationship lasted for six years. As time went on, I knew I didn't really love him. During my three years at nursing school, I recognized increasing feelings towards women.
After my graduation, Tom gave me a diamond and proposed. I accepted, but felt confused about what I was doing. After some time, I returned the ring to Tom, with my apologies. I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life with a man I didn't love. During the last six months of my engagement, I met a nursing student at work named Brenda. Our friendship progressed into the first homosexual relationship for either of us. After she graduated, we moved into our own apartment.
At first, everything was fun and exciting. Eventually, what seemed like the most wonderful love I had never known turned into a confused and unfulfilled void.
I started dating a man, and became physically involved with him at the same time I was living with Brenda. I wanted the best of both worlds, grabbing at people and relationships to satisfy.
After four years, my relationship with Brenda came crashing down when she became involved with another woman. Our breakup was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I began an intense search for my true identity and purpose. It brought me to my knees in front of God, who was there all along, patiently waiting.
I began to read my Bible again. "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). I felt this was a promise from the Lord, that one day I would be free from the emotional turmoil.
I tried to handle the breakup with Brenda by myself, but when I had my third anxiety attack, I knew I needed help. I went to a Christian psychologist and learned much in the next two years. However, when I ended therapy I still didn't know who I was sexually. I couldn't admit that homosexuality was against God's will.
I joined a church and was accountable to the pastor with my sexual struggles, but I was still unsatisfied. He gave me good counsel with his limited knowledge on homosexuality, but I needed more.
I still felt some attraction to certain women. God graciously gave me a loving Christian friend who I could share my struggles with. I also shared much with my sister, who was very supportive. This openness gave some release from the emotional pressures I was under.
In the midst of my searching, I visited my friend Kay in California. I thought that it would be nice to get away and experience life in another part of the country. Our visit was a divine appointment.
When Kay greeted me, I could sense that something was different about her. She was so full of life and hope. She had rededicated her life to the Lord, and shared a lot with me. During my visit, we went to a Christian rally. I went forward during the altar call and accepted the Lord anew. At the time, I didn't know what it meant, but I began to acknowledge more of His grace. I also began to be convicted more of the sin of homosexuality.
At 29, I understood a lot about homosexuality, but was still looking for more answers. I talked with two Christian women who were involved in Dignity, a pro-gay organization. I also wanted to talk with some Christians who had left homosexuality, but couldn't find any. I decided if any ministry existed to former homosexuals, it would probably be around San Francisco. So I moved to California, two months before my thirtieth birthday.
About a year later, I read about Love in Action in Charisma magazine. I was thrilled, and contacted the office for help. Before coming to LIA, I was a Christian on the fence of indecision. I couldn't believe homosexuality was really wrong, or that I could ever feel towards a man what I felt for women. I was so afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. I prayed, "Lord, I don't know how to stop these feelings for other women, but I'm willing to learn. Please show me. Assure me that you will provide the love I need."
Life did not change overnight. In fact, the next few weeks were sad and empty. But now I know I was grieving to purge myself of whatever kept me running to the wrong places for love and acceptance.
Knowing two things really helped me to leave homosexuality. I came to a greater awareness of how much God loves me and the mighty power that is available through Him. I also knew there was an adversary trying to prevent God's love from reaching me. In the past, the best human love I'd received was a poor comparison to God's love. And the devil seemed about as real as the Wizard of Oz. I had been ignorant about what God's love and Satan's destructive ways were all about.
Since relinquishing my homosexuality to the Lord, one area to undergo a thorough housecleaning is my relationships with both men and women.
I was always afraid to get close to men. In order to remove this fear, I had to erase the tape that said, "men are insensitive and do not feel the same way women do". I had never allowed a man close enough for him to be able to show his feelings in a godly way.
In relating with other women, I had two major fears; developing an attraction and being rejected if the other woman knew my background.
As my mind is renewed, these fears are being healed. I no longer think of myself as gay, so that I'm not expecting sexual feelings for other women. But if they come, I take them to God and ask Him to show me what is behind the attraction. I have released the second fear by not expecting everyone to accept everything about me. I am open to receive whatever love others are capable of giving. I know that God loves me and wants me to have godly friendships with other women, and He will provide them.
One of the most crucial factors in developing and maintaining healthy, godly relationships is for me to be involved in a church body, where there is a demonstration of God's warmth and acceptance. We all need love and acceptance. Leaving past relationships can produce a tremendous void. Without new activities to fill the void, I too easily revert to old ways of thinking and behaving.
I am now going through a total reorganization of my life. The more I submit to God, the more I am challenged to give up whatever does not fit God's will for me. Not only my sexuality has turned around, but also my career choices, educational goals and relationships.
Changes in sexuality do not come easy. It's an ongoing process of saying, "OK, Lord, I don't always feel You are at work, but I believe You are and I trust you completely". One of the most important lessons I've learned is not to base conclusions on how I feel. Certain situations make me feel vulnerable, but God is aware of this. In knowing that, and turning it over to Him, all the pressure is taken off me.
"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it" (1 Cor. 10:13).
Copyright (C) by Lynn Hensel. Distributed by Love in Action P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250.
Home | Personal Pages | Current Issues | Support Groups | Your Story | FAQ | Love In Action