This event was a culmination of a lifetime of asking why. Why all this pain? Why was I even still alive? I had been through drug overdoses, abuse (from childhood and gay bashers), worry-free homosexual sex. Nobody seemed to really care, so what's the point? I know now that every soul asks Why? And I am not alone when it comes to questioning life's purpose.
The pain in my heart started at the age of 5 when I promised my mother I would take care of her when I perceived my natural father was a threat to her. Growing up I internalized the abuse and the pain grew.
My need for love was desperate. I knew at a very young age that I preferred the company of males even though I wasn't like them. When a male would smile my heart would leap. This became erotic at the age of ten.
As the teenage years moved on the pain grew. At the age of 16 I started drinking and had my first homosexual experience. Finally I was making my own decisions. I was dating men at 18 and going out to the bars all the time. As I spent more time in my "escapes" my home life and sober life got neurotic. This was the time when the Adversary tried so hard to kill me, when I subconsciously wanted to die.
I know now that God had preserved my life. However, at that time, I thought the only thing going for me was my homosexual identity. When I walked into my first gay nightclub, I was ecstatic. People here were friendly and fun and just like me! When I came out of the closet, I was thrown out of the house. A very popular drag queen took me in. My first sense of belonging, safety and identity was through the gay community.
I was openly gay and believed with my whole heart that I was born that way. I never thought about leaving homosexuality. I knew I could only be happy as a homosexual.
At that time I believed in a God. I didn't really know what to think about Him. I did come to the conclusion that the Bible was culturally biased. We had spent some time in a church while I was growing up. I t was very brief and I remember baptism but I don't remember saying the sinners prayer. As far as I knew, Paul, Jesus and Moses were cousins. I knew God, somehow, knew me.
However, when I was 20 a man I had previously worked with, contacted my mother and found me. Bruce invited me to a Bible study. During my smoke break a man interrupted to tell me he wasn't gay any more and was getting married, to a woman. He didn't really irritate me but I certainly did not take it personally.
But without my being aware of it, the Holy Spirit started tugging at my heart. I started to recognize that my life was empty. I began to fear the future. I had never really thought of it before. But for the first time I prayed my an honest prayer which was something like "God help me, please."
Thirty days later I was on a Greyhound bus headed for Dallas. My Aunt gave me a chance to "start over." I immediately found the best gay bars and drugs Dallas had to offer. Which lead me to the night of New Years 1990.
That night, when I saw Death, was the night I hit bottom. That night my soul cried out and God lifted His eyes to me once again. I couldn't see Him but He cared for me.
I found a new telemarketing job and I met this wonderful lady named Steffany. She didn't care that I was gay. She talked about acceptance and unconditional love. She invited me to a twelve-step program dance and I had such a good time I didn't even miss drinking.
I sobered up for the first time on Feb. 23rd, 1990. During this time, I went from selling on the phones to working in the corporate computer room. I actually started paying my bills. I was at the beginning of a fulfilled gay life, or so I thought.
One day, while driving, I looked up at the sky, and these radiant beams of light were shredding this cloud and all of a sudden I knew ÖI don't know howÖ but I knew God had gotten me off drugs! He had orchestrated every move. He had a purpose for my life. Needless to say I nearly wrecked! For the first time I experienced Him. However, eventually God was placed behind my own vanity and pride rooted in homosexuality.
I did start drinking again but during my relapse, Steffany had become a born-again Christian. When I re-established in the 12-step program (March 17th 1992), we re-connected.
Then it started; she kept talking about Jesus. This was the girl that would convince me to run around till dawn doing stupid fun things. But here she was, calm, reflective and loving. I was amazed that Jesus had transformed her life.
I asked her about homosexuality and angry at her response. She said, " I know believe it is a sin, but God would not call it a sin if there wasn't something better." She informed me that a former lover of mine had recommitted his life to Christ (I had no idea he was a Christian) and was getting married to a woman. This reminded me of the man at that Bible study in Nashville.
I decided to look at God seriously. I thought if Christianity is God's way than there is more to anybody, or me that isn't perfect. I easily could see the innate sinfulness of man . I agreed with God that I was not perfect. I could not attain heaven or an abundant life here by just being a "good person." Homosexuality aside I had committed sin and needed Jesus as my Savior. I asked Jesus into my heart in May of 1992.
I felt love move into my heart. I was overwhelmed at the amount of His love for me. I did not understand homosexuality as defined by scripture, but I knew if God is the God of the Bible He would make Himself known to me and prove His word to be true.
A short time later, July 1992, I was praying and the Holy Spirit came to me and the Lord reminded me of the first man I ever fell in love with. Ron was the first man I gave my all to. In my minds eye I could see Jesus, Ron and I in a room together. Ron and notice Jesus grieving. I watched Jesus grieve in my mind's eye. He let me feel the grief he felt for both of us. He so longed for us to turn to Him. He knew that we didn't understand Him and that grieved Him more. I had given Ron everything, my whole being. However, Jesus wanted to be Lord of my life and He was jealously grieved over my submission to homosexuality. Christ knew that Ron and I could not complete each other or be fulfilled through homosexuality, and it hurt Him. It hurt Him because He loved us. He took the scripture I couldn't stand the most, the one in Leviticus, "When one man lies with another man as with a woman, it is an abomination before the Lord," he explained the two men are not the abomination but the act is the abomination. The reason why God hates the act is because it separates us from him. Homosexuality is a false way to meet legitimate need and a form of mankind's rebellion toward God. He also grieved because He knew Ron would die a year later because of complications due to AIDS.
When I experienced how much God knew me and loved me anyway, when I realized that he wasn't some insensitive, hateful God, my heart changed. I knew that He would see me out of homosexuality.
My life today is free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol and I left my homosexual identity over 5 years ago at the time I wrote this. I now view my self as Randy a son of God in Jesus Christ. I am trying to let God define me for me. He is defining my life and showing me why I turn to sin and not him, I am starting to learn to trust, love and seek Him. I've learned His word is True and never comes back void. I have learned to call Him Father. He is my Father. Jesus is my friend not a legend. The Holy Spirit is my comfort and companion when times are tough.
I have learned to relate to men and women the way Father intended. I have received love from men and women in the body of Christ that displaces homosexuality. Father is continually showing me how to "overcome" sin, not just homosexuality.
Some times are hard still. I still have to work through relationship issues, and allow God to conform me into the image of Christ. But all in all I am at peace for the first time in my life. I am content knowing I belong to such a wonderful God.
I know "Why" now because the Holy Spirit loves us enough to explain. Sinfulness and ignorance lead to death but Jesus paid the price for that. He never stops trying to tell us "why." It's "because" of His love for us the He establishes definite boundaries, such as the guidelines put forth and explained in the Bible. It is because of His love for us, that He paid the penalty for breaking those guidelines, at the cross. Whether we know that we have crossed the line or not, we still have transgressed holiness. And according to perfection, that isn't perfect. However, according to Christ, it is forgivable through Him and He will reconcile us with the Heavenly Father.
Father brought me to Living Hope Ministries in July of 1992. There I met people who wore the face of Christ.
They loved me and told me the truth about Christ's redemptive power for homosexuals. They helped me to discover for myself how homosexuality developed in my life and they helped me to learn how to meet those needs through the Body of Christ and other friends and family.
Father is training me up in His love for His people and the world. I feel called to ministry in general and this specific ministry (homosexual recovery) in particular. I am working toward a career in teaching and am looking forward to having a wife and children if in God's will.
Life has not been easy by any means, but in Christ, it now has depth and contentment.
Hope has displaced fear. O Death, who is laughing now? O Death, where is your sting?
Used by permission of the author. Randy Thomas is Co-Director of Living Hope Ministries, an Exodus International referral ministry located in Arlington, Texas.
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