Despite my church involvement from the age of five, I was extremely lonely. In order to compensate, I developed a sense of humor and an outward friendliness. People accepted me if I was funny, and no matter how rude they were at times, I never let them see my inner pain. My "mask of humor" brought me friendships; however, no-one ever put their arm around me and said, "Sue, I love you. How are you doing?" I desperately longed for that kind of attention.
Then, in 1974, I was volunteering at a Christian coffee house when I met a good-looking young man who seemed different from all the other men I had met. John (not his real name) was funny, nice-and a Christian. We seemed to hit it off right away and started dating. I felt attracted to him, and realized that he was attracted to me.
He really likes me, I thought. Somebody really likes me! Oh, God, are You finally answering my prayers? Could this man be the one You want me to marry? Within a month's time of knowing each other, we were engaged; we set our wedding date six months later. The following months flew by. When we were together I was happy. Though I had some questions about John's actions, I talked myself out of any concerns I had. For example, he seemed to have an unusual attraction for men, telling me several times how much he was "in love" with his best male friends.
I had never really let anyone know my hurts and fears, and I didn't have a clue how to talk to John about my questions. What would I say to him? If he got mad, would he call off the wedding? Would he leave me? I couldn't let that happen. I "knew" God had sent John to rescue me from my horrible life of loneliness. I was getting married and nothing was going to stand in my way-nothing!
After our wedding, John spent six months overseas while finishing up his time in the Navy. When he returned home, our lives seemed filled with the normal adjustments of a newly-married couple. I was naive about sex, so didn't become overly concerned when we would go several months without a physical encounter. But other things bothered me. John didn't want to spend time with other couples. His best friends were 16- year-old boys (he was 23). And he'd go for long walks alone and sometimes stay away for three or four hours when he'd make a simple trip to the grocery store.
"Red flags" were up everywhere but I just couldn't deal with them. I was so confused. I had no concrete evidence to substantiate my fears that something was wrong, so I just pushed them aside. I would mention his young friends and his infatuations with other men, but John would tell me I was seeing it wrong. "You're making something out of nothing," he'd protest. "How dare you accuse me of anything!"
While we both claimed to be Christians, our marriage was far from Christian. In fact, during our marriage John showed little interest in spiritual matters, and I wasn't much encouragement to him. Neither of our lives were really based on biblical principles.
Finally, at the urging of a mutual friend, John confessed that he'd had sex with another man just three weeks before. "I can't believe I did this," he said. "Please, please forgive me." I was numb, scared and confused. I was also four months pregnant with our first child. When John promised it would never happen again, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I had nowhere to turn.
But, several years later, after the birth of our second child, John and another member of our home Bible study confessed their homosexual involvement with each other. They asked for my forgiveness, which I gave as my "Christian" duty. I wanted to run away, but I remained outwardly calm and stuffed my true feelings deep inside.
John and I went for counseling with our pastor. While we were talking, John confessed that he had no intention of giving up his homosexual activities. There was nothing "so sweet as gay sex," he said. He wanted the best of both worlds-to have a home and family, but still participate in homosexuality. I was angry and devastated. This was the ultimate rejection. I had experienced rejection all my life, and now my own husband was rejecting me. I hated him-and I had difficulty trusting him.
"You're two hours late," I'd protest. "Where have you been?" Could I believe him when he said he just drove down by the river and sat by the water? I kept hoping things would change, and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, each time I believed him, later I would find out that he had lied again.
"No more!" I said finally. "I can't take this anymore!" I wanted to stay married but I didn't know how to deal with the lies and terrible confusion in our relationship. What should I do? During several separations and reconciliations, I sought Christian counseling and received a variety of answers regarding my responsibilities as a wife and a Christian. Eventually I realized that no one could tell me what to do. I had to make my own decisions based on prayer and God's Word.
After heavy soul searching during eight years of reconciliations and separations, promises broken, bitterness and anger, and frustration on both our parts, I divorced him. By this time we had two boys, ages 3 and 5, and I saw the pain they were going through. John's confession that he had sexually touched our younger son was the final straw.
While I was relieved to be away from the constant turmoil of our relationship, I was lonely. I knew I couldn't go back to John, but I didn't want to be alone. It was the lowest point in my life. I would sit in my house alone, pull the shades and sit in total darkness. I had to be an "up" mom for my kids, but inside I was dying. I wanted to com- mit suicide, but couldn't because I didn't want to leave my kids.
I was broken inside. "God, where are You? How come You aren't talking to me? Why did You let this happen?" Throughout all of this I was still attending church, the only consistent thing in my life.
Through my church, God brought two special people into my life. Steve and Beth lived in my apartment complex, so Beth began watching my two boys while I went to work. They had just moved to Oregon so Steve could attend classes at a local seminary. Little did we know that our friendship would be the beginning of the rebuilding of my life, as well as giving them insights into how to help a person like me who had been deeply hurt.
They had so much patience. They listened, hugged me, loved me, and challenged me. They helped me with disciplining my kids. They were the support I'd never had. They didn't care if I was overweight. I could cry on their shoulder, but they wouldn't let me have a "pity party." They constantly challenged me to read God's Word. I dis-covered it was okay to tell God how angry I was, especially at Him. He knew it anyway, so what was I hiding?
I grew to love them; they were my family. I was happy and wanted to live this way forever, but God had other plans. Just as an earthly father loves to see his child grow and mature, so does our Heavenly Father. Eventually Steve graduated from seminary and took a church three hours away. God is so gracious-at least they weren't clear across the country! But their move left a tremendous void in my life. I could still call them, even go see them, but they weren't living next door. In response, I turned to the Lord even more. "It's You and me, Lord." I would say. "You know how lonely I am. Please help me to feel Your arms around me. Lord, I need a hug." I was hurting and I hated it but I had been challenged by Steve to seek God and His Word, so I clung to Him as hard as I could.
As my relationship with God began to grow, He brought up areas in my life that I had stuffed down for years. In my eyes, I was fat and ugly, unacceptable to God and man, a worthless person who did not deserve to have feelings. With the help of a wonderful Christian counselor, I was taught to confront my frustrations, fears, sadness, and joy-and "feel" them. If I felt like crying, I could cry in the presence of my counselor and still be accepted.
I also learned that it was OK to care about me. One time a close friend and I talked for six hours about what I liked. I was able, for the first time, to really find out who I was. I am a nice person, and I have feelings. Coming to terms with that reality was a major step in my healing.
I am still learning how God sees me. While I sometimes slip back into thinking that God doesn't love me, I keep asking Him to help me see the truth. Reading His Word has helped a lot to see how much He really loves me.
I have now been divorced since 1984. John still struggles with homosexuality. My boys are now teenagers. While they love their father, they don't talk much about him. I know this issue has been difficult for them. I have never remarried, but I have seen God be a faithful Father, protecting us and providing food, shelter, clothing and a car. He has used people to do His work in our lives, and for that I am grateful. He has always had a job for me; we've never had our utilities shut off or our refrigerator empty.
God knows my desire to be an active mom with my kids, and He has placed me in jobs which have enabled me to do that. He has also provided male mentors for my boys, both through sports participation and church activities.
The Lord has been a faithful husband to me. Many times my boys have given me disciplinary problems. When I have been ready to pull my hair out, I've said to God, "They're your kids. You talk to them!" And later I sense that He has spoken to their hearts. Sometimes they even come and apologize, and I whisper inside, "Thank You, Father!"
Do I hate my ex-husband? I did for a long time. It has only been in the last six months that God has given me a compassion for him. Knowing that God has forgiven me for so many things, I could no longer hold a grudge against my ex-husband.
I know that my life has not been a mistake. The pain I felt and the lessons I have learned were tools to shape my life. I am thankful that I can be a trophy of God's grace, and a testimony of God's love.
Sue Willard is an administrative secretary for the Oregon Citizens Alliance and director of HOPE (Help One Person Escape), a support group in Portland, Oregon, for friends and families with a homosexual loved one. Copyright © 1994 by Sue Willard. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; (901) 542-0250
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