At only five years old, I'd lost the two most important ingredients in forming a healthy and secure identity, my mother and father. My mother was killed in an auto accident. I was sent to live with relatives while my father pieced together a new life for himself. In my little-boy mind, I perceived that my dad had abandoned me.
My dad remarried when I was 11. My parents and I had a stable relationship until my adolescence, when my already-damaged sexuality began to awaken. I lived a typical double life: active in church, school and Boy Scouts. I even attained the rank of Eagle Scout. I played football and went out for track and the swim team. But all this failed to make me "man enough."
During a summer as an exchange student in Brazil, I noticed that Brazilian people seemed more tolerant of homosexuality than Americans...more accepting of me. It was at this time that I embraced my inner desires. I told myself, "I'm attracted to other guys, and everyone else seems so certain that I'm gay. So I guess that's what I really am."
Shortly after my return to the U.S., I joined the military. Stationed in Hawaii, I totally immersed myself in Honolulu's gay scene. But behind the facade of acceptance and the promise of love, I saw many unhappy, cynical, and desperate people in the gay lifestyle. Couples who claimed to be in love often wondered, "How long will it last this time?"
In the spring of 1977, I completed my military obligation. A few months later, I received a letter from a "married" gay couple in Hawaii. They told me that they had turned from their homosexual lifestyles. They said that I could find the truth about homosexuality for myself in the Bible. "What traitors," I thought.
About this time I began attending a small college, where I became the focal point of intense prejudice. Though there were some Christians on campus who tried to reach out to me, they usually talked "at me" about sin. The rejection I experienced during this time was almost more than I could bear. Extremely depressed, I left college after two tortuous semesters.
Following this crisis, I concluded that my only chance at finding love, acceptance and an end to my inner pain would be to shed my failed male identity. In January of 1978 I began a psychiatric evaluation process. My therapist officially diagnosed me as a transsexual eligible for sex reassignment surgery.
A second specialist referred me to the John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, MD. - a hospital well known at that time for sex-change surgery. I would have to undergo continued therapy and live as a female for at least two years before I could undergo surgery. Still, I was considered a good "reassignment candidate."
There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end leads to death... (Prov. 14:12)
Staring into the mirror, I saw that I had become the embodiment of a lie. Outwardly, I had been living as a woman for a year and a half. Achieving much-desired acceptance in my role as a woman, I was popular in gay circles. Yet in spite of my "success," I was increasingly unhappy. I gradually realized the operation could only change my "packaging." It wouldn't change me.
One evening, the song "Jesus Loves Me" and other Sunday School songs unexpectedly flooded my mind. As the words to these simple songs played in my head, I remembered being taught as a child that Jesus knew me and loved me.
But that was before I was a homosexual. That was before I had failed as a man. But could He possibly love me now? Oddly, His love began to matter very much to me. Through tears I earnestly prayed, "God, please show me what to do. I'm so confused. If You don't want me to pursue this sex change, then show me. I'll do what You want."
You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. (Jer. 29:13)
Three days later, I heard a news report on that would change my life: John Hopkins announced they would no longer be performing sex reassignment surgery!
But I was still confused. If God didn't want me to be a woman, He must want me to be a man! "But how?" I complained to God. "I don't know if I can!" I was afraid of an unknown future as a man. But in spite of my fears, I felt irresistibly drawn to God.
During a move that fall, I came across an old, neglected Bible and began "sneak reading" it. Though I was still living as a woman, the Holy Spirit was making inroads into my life.
Knowing that I was approaching a crossroad in my life, I threw away my female hormones and stopped buying women's clothes. As Christmas approached, I began packing away all of my dresses. Then I purchased a few items of men's clothing.
One night I dropped to the floor clutching my chest. I couldn't breathe right and was beginning to black out. Terrified, I cried out to God, begging Him to spare me. "Please don't take me like this!" I pleaded with Him. "Let me live to know You first."
The crushing pain in my chest began to subside. Shaken, I saw my desperate need to get right with God. But how? I turned to the Bible, knowing I'd find the answer there.
"Come now, and let us reason together," says the Lord. "Though your sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they will be like wool. If you consent and obey, you will eat the best of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword. Truly, the mouth of the Lord has spoken." (Isaiah 1:18-20)
As I read this scripture, bitterness, guilt, and shame poured out of me. I admitted my failure and guilt before God as I cried out to Him, "God, I cannot change what I am, but I'm willing to be changed. I know You have the power. Make me the man You want me to be!"
As I placed my life into His hands, there was immediate evidence of my spiritual regeneration - the power of immorality was broken! I could (and even wanted to) resist compulsions that had always enslaved me. I wasn't sure what had happened to me, but I felt confident that God would help me begin living a decidedly different life.
There were some rough times following my conversion. Seeking to establish myself in fellowship, I found that some people had a hard time relating to me. Though I dressed in men's clothing and had short hair, the residual effeminate mannerisms, high voice, and all the results of female hormones caused many people to mistake me for a girl. At first I was crushed with humiliation, but I was determined to live for God.
I also experienced times of sexual temptation that alarmed and frustrated me. "If I'm still having sexual urges and temptations," I reasoned, "then nothing has really changed." My mistaken and unrealistic expectation was that God would just "zap" me into instant heterosexuality. However, in reading the Bible I learned that temptation was to be expected as part of life - but my identity wasn't defined by my struggle.
Perhaps my greatest discovery at this time was that I didn't have to "pretend" to be free and straight, and I didn't have to fight my weaknesses by myself. I could be honest and cry out, "I am weak - help me, Lord!" By His grace I withstood those difficult months of transition.
During the summer of 1980 I joined a church where I was warmly accepted. For the first time, I was accepted, loved and valued as a man. And the miracle was that I was valued by other men apart from sex.
It was awkward, uncomfortable, (but sometimes exhilarating) to relearn appropriate ways of relating to men. But as I established healthy relationships with men, homosexual yearnings began dissolving. I also noted a marked decrease in temptation. After all, temptation is simply the exploitation of a real need. And my real needs were finally being met without impurity and within a caring, supportive community that offered me acceptance and accountability.
Growing beyond my fixation on men (and my own needs) enabled me to comfortably grow toward heterosexuality. I was behind schedule - but not too late! During this time of working in ministry, I met Karen. We were friends and coworkers, but that was all. Still I was very much attracted to her remarkable character, integrity and love for God.
During a time of praying together, God's spirit revealed to Karen that she would become my wife. One year later, I too became aware of God's direction. At first I balked at the idea of marriage as inner fears and deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy surfaced. But as Karen and I developed a transparent friendship, God brought much healing to me.
Our marriage is not proof of my recovery from perversion and compulsion. Rather it is one of the most beautiful evidences of a human life made whole through the transforming love of Christ. In addition to being a husband, I also have the joy of being a father - one more blessing that proves nothing is impossible with God.
One evening while I was preparing for bed, the Lord spoke to my heart saying, "Look in the mirror - tell Me what you see." I looked for a moment and said, "I see a new creation!" He said, "Yes, but look again."
So I did, and then said, "I see a child of the King - a servant of Jesus - and beauty from the ashes of my old life." Yet I knew these weren't the answers He was looking for. What was the Lord trying to show me?
I looked at in the mirror again.
"What do you see, My son?"
At last I understood. "I see that the man, the man in the mirror - is me."
Copyright (C) 1988 Bob Davies. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250
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